SPOTLIGHT - to the one who hurt me the most

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about the spotlight writer

The Gospel wrecked my life when I was in sixth grade, and I’ve tried to live in reaction to it every since. My love for Christ, passion for anti-trafficking efforts, and desire to help the marginalized lead me to an undergraduate degree at Baylor University (where I met Allison via Kappa Chi Alpha), and then to medical school at Texas Tech.

 If you have any questions about Baylor, Kappa Chi Alpha, medical school, UnBound, Pine Cove, or my story, feel free to shoot them my way! No guarantees I'll know the answer, but I'll do my best to help out. 

email: cheryl.aguas@ttuhsc.edu

IG: instagram.com/cherylaguas


To the One Who Hurt Me the Most

 by Cheryl Aguas

To the One Who Hurt Me the Most,

Surely, you know who you are.

 

You can shrug responsibility and

Liability, but you deserve no deniability

Of your ability to

Hurt me.

 

You’ve been disappointed in me; you’ve resented me even.

But when I succeed, you say you’re the one whom I believed in.

 

I want to prove myself to you

And to tell others that I love you.

But I’m not even sure that you like the way I talk,

I look,

I live.

 

In fact, I’m quite sure that you have not in the past.

 

Even then, your opinion would have merit.

When you received the gospel, you were moved, eager, to share it.

You pray for me and for others.

You have a faith that you’re ready to discuss.

You were a chaplain. You try your best.

Of course you have my trust.

 

When others sin, you remind them

With words, neither condemning nor pointed,

Of their Father, with open arms,

Longing for His anointed.

 

But for me?

Not for me.

I hurt the people you love most.

I threatened those you cherish

And the things that you hold close.

 

For that, I’m sorry; I was wrong.

I wept time and time again.

But how long must I beg forgiveness from a lifelong friend?

 

You’re a hypocrite.

 

There— I said it.

 

You ignore my every plea.

You weep over the Lord’s love for others,

But do you see that same love for me?

 

You tell me to exercise more virtue,

To weep over my sins

Because someone might find out

Of the awful state I’m in.  

 

Rarely do you preach the gospel to me—

Instead you chide with your planned words.

You compare me, measure me, be-little me

And hold me to “a higher standard.”

 

What higher standard is there

Than set by the King who took my place?

What deeper depth, what higher height

Than that overflowed by grace?

 

When I move again, I must not look to you,

Who steals credit for my success.

You are the first I see when I fall short,

And you condemn me to shame and loneliness.

 

I forgive you, but I do not trust you.

Your judgment is before the throne.

No; I trust the words of my Savior,

The One who has sealed me as His Own.

 

One day I hope you’ll forgive me too.

I’ll be patient with you and wait.

 

With my love and sincerity,

The person you are another day.

 

 

A Note to the Reader:

 

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you…”

2 Corinthians 7:10-11a

 

Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.”

Psalm 51:4

 

Self-condemnation is too rampant in religion today. Our tendency to self-critique is one of the largest barriers in the Gospel changing our lives and the lives of those around us. Fellow believer, do not blur the line between Spirit-given conviction and self-condemnation. Satan is both the tempter and accuser, and I have entertained his lies not only when I sin, but also when I become more consumed with my inadequacy than with Christ’s adequacy.

We cannot extend a grace we have not received to ourselves. In doing so, we either excuse our sin or rely on our own will to make us better. Be guarded against what drives your spiritual discipline. We can only extend a grace we have already received, so take a deep breath. Look into your Savior’s eyes and call your sin for what it is.

Ponder His sacrifice.

Receive His love and His grace.

Repent earnestly.

Hang onto the promise of the righteous Father, Who, by the blood of His Son, can truly and confidently say “neither do I condemn you; go and from now on, sin no more” (John 8:11).