SPOTLIGHT - when God didn't meet my expectations
About the Spotlight Writer
Currently a communications assistant and always an avid coffee lover in Fort Worth, TX. Learning the grace of Jesus in the messiness of life.
"Y’all, if there’s one thing you have to know about my life -- it's that it brilliantly displays why God LOVES irony and uses it frequently to humble a girl and teach me some much needed lessons.
Growing up, I thrived on consistency and if I could somehow make it all better, then that would be ideal. Being in control and in the know of what was going on in the present and in the future version of my life, oh how I loved that. You see, if I have all of these good desires and beautiful intentions, then why wouldn’t they all work out, right? God wants what I want, doesn’t He?
He answered those questions for me; over and over and over again, the same way.
You see, a lot of the “there’s no way I could miss this” markers in my life centered on some form of my plans, desires, and expectations being, well, shattered into quite the oblivion:
Friends turning out to not be who they claimed, family utterly falling apart, the major I had pursued for 2 ½ years being changed, the silver platter laid out for me after college getting tossed, getting lost in sin that I never should have known in the first place, ending up in job/financial situations that were nothing close to the dream, and of course still being very single amidst a host of friends, now bearing the title of wife and mom…
Can I just tell you how much I have cried out in these moments? I begged for answers. I pleaded for peace and comfort. I tried hard to cling to the truths everyone was trying to speak to me. I prayed, a lot. Tears streamed down my face, a lot. Why wasn’t anything working out like I had expected? Does God not want to fulfill my GOOD desires? Can He not hear my cries and just give me some answers?
“BUT I AM"
"Wait, say what God?"
"I AM speaking to you, daughter"
You see, He had already given me the answer to every question, the end to every desire, the fulfillment of every expectation.
In post grad life, this is what I heard clearer than anything else before… “We need a true glimpse of God before we can be empowered to do the work He has for us in this world." He had been speaking all along, while I was crying out for answers to MY questions, He still met me amidst my blind eyes, deaf ears, and hardened heart… He gave me Himself.
What was I expecting God to do? I expected God to do what I had in my mind to be good, true desires for my life. I expected that if I trusted God, He would provide. My trust was twisted. I trusted that He would work, but I did not trust the WAY HE CHOSE to move in my life. I never felt so human but also so loved and redeemed at the same time.
He was always the point. Do you see the irony in all this?
That I was scratching and clawing for more when I had ALL I needed in Him?
That He was literally coming to me and giving me Himself even as I was seeking other things.
I mean COME ON with that kind of love.
I think about what Paul said in Philippians 3:4-8:
“though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”
This is the kind of love I must have for Christ -- the kind that can suffer the loss of everything, the kind that could have “good” desires that are never fulfilled this side of eternity….. BUT knows deep down in her bones that even if not, Jesus is always so much better than all of it.
And no, God did not in any way meet my expectations……
Instead, He chose to break them and rebuild them. He chose to overwhelm them with a greater truth. He chose to surpass them. He chose to show me Himself, which has been more than I could have ever asked for or sought after.
God knew me better."
by Tawnie Moore